It’s been a minute since I’ve put up a dating post. I’ve been pretty busy living a Chicago beach dream summer, but I have certainly had some stories to share. I’ll get a few more up in the coming weeks. I promise.
Mr. In Between
I had a conversation with a friend the other day about dating and our past relationships. She introduced me to a new term that I thought was fascinating, so I thought I’d explore it. She said that her ex was really her “In Betweener.” Here is how the conversation went:
She said, “He is my In Betweener.”
I’m like, “What did you just say?”
“In Betweener, like the guy I see between real relationships.”
“Huh, tell me more.”
So, essentially, the definition of an In Betweener is a person you see when you are between relationships that you are actually interested in pursuing. The hallmark of the In Betweener is that you literally have no true interest in a long term relationship with this person, but since you have history, can spend time with them easily and in most cases they are a safe option, then the In Betweener helps alleviate those lonely nights until Mr. Right comes around. I’ve heard of Mr. Right Now before, but the In Betweener got me thinking about myself and how I’ve experienced some relationships.
Deeper Dive
I think what I found fascinating about the conversation is that my friend definitively believed that they could not see a future with Mr. In Between (not to be confused with the show on F/X). No matter how much time they spent together or experienced together or even if they had sex regularly, the second something better comes along – Mr. In Between is out of the picture until the next gap in relationships. Let’s think about that for a minute.
Now, I do want to preface this post with the fact that there are a bevy of different relationship patterns, and that’s great, no judgement. See my article from a couple years ago:
http://wegspool.com/2019/01/11/dating-by-wegs-and-you-say-hes-just-a-friend/
As a guy with plenty of years of experience, I’ve definitely written off potential women. I most certainly have known some women were more interested in me than I was interested in them. However, at what point does Mr. In Between move from Mr. Right Now to something more?
I mean the Swipe Dating apps almost aide in this situation. You literally will have a conversation with someone and while you are waiting for a response you can be swiping for something “better.” But does Mr. or Miss In Between know that is what they are?
Originally, I was going to attribute this Mr. In Between behavior to women, since being opportunistic has been a lot of my experience from women in this latest single stint. However, I think it happens just as much to women. I’m thinking about the Jon Hamm character in Bridesmaids with Kristen Wiig’s character. That’s a classic, Miss In Between place. No matter what she would have done and despite some intimacy or familiarity, Jon Hamm would have never been with her on a serious basis.
We all have fairytales of meeting that special someone when the fireworks shoot off and you know definitively that you have moved from Mr. In Between to The One. Well, every Mr. In Between deserves love, too. I think if both people know, really know that there is no chance at a future and then knowingly choose to spend time together, then I’m fine with it. Yet, realize that every minute spent with someone is an opportunity cost against being with someone special.
Now, that attitude can go the wrong way, where people only date people that fit into their ideal resume box. Clearly, it is a balancing act on the initial front, however when you are slipping back and forth with that same person over and over again between relationships, is it really worth it?
Personal Experience
When I looked back on my life, especially since my first divorce, I definitely have been Mr. In Between before. In fact, after our conversation, I started thinking – “Oh my God! That’s me!!”
I realized that one of the people in my life, however peripherally has made me their Mr. In Between. I remember times in my 30s when they were either on their way out of a relationship or just before entering into one was when we got together. It was simple and easy since we had some history, good sexual chemistry and the most important aspect – availability. I mean I was a willing party, but when I have attempted to push beyond that Mr. In Between status, I’ve gotten nowhere.
For me, my hallmark availability is the real issue. For most guys, we are taught to be the aggressor or initiator in relationships. Men are rewarded for doing so in many aspects of life. However, most men will not pass up a woman who takes the initiative. I appreciate it, really. Yet, I think the lesson for me is not to be so available. Set better boundaries on my availability, but damn it is hard to say no. Being single is not all it’s cracked up to be. I’m not having a different woman every night or something, so passing up attention and affection is really tough.
The problem with being Mr. In Between is you put yourself in the receiver position. You go about your day minding your own business and then all of a sudden I get that coy text or even a sexy video, what I am gonna do?
I respond, Duh! Then, we set up a meeting. We hook up. It’s fun. Maybe we go on a legit date. Then, I won’t hear from them for 2 weeks.
Must be tough, Wegs!
Well, actually, it is. I may come off as a player, and in some ways I definitely am, but ultimately, I am looking for something meaningful and lasting. I most certainly want to be with someone more than once or twice then a drought for a couple months or even years.
The bottom line is if you want to stop being Mr. In Between, then you’ll have to say no. Or at least completely divorce your feelings from that person because – “It is not going to happen!!” You will not wear them down. You will not make them love you how you want them to. You are just a friend with benefits or a temporary cuddle buddy. It’s better to just forget that person and move the fuck on. Sorry to say.
Recently, I was faced firsthand with this very situation. I received a morning text and communicated with my friend, but I did already have plans with someone. I tried to fly too close to the sun having my cake (the date) and eat it too (by seeing my friend afterwards). The whole thing kinda blew up on me. Shocker! The result was my friend got severely disappointed, as I had a successful date and opted to spend the whole time with them. I didn’t handle the situation very well, no doubt. However, when I think back on it, the main issue is I was not a priority for my friend before that day and they thought they could drop in when they wanted to. Meanwhile, I was on a date with someone who wanted to be with me, and I enjoyed our time with a potential future in sight. I still feel bad about what happened, but I think that encounter may end my status as Mr. In Between.
I think one of the things I’ve had to learn, even though I’m absolutely terrible at doing it, is to understand that cutting out those people from your life will open yourself up to new people. Even if you are a jaded old guy like me, you only have so much room in your heart for people. You need to let some people go to let someone else in.
I guess all that therapy is finally working. Full disclosure, I’m the worst at saying no, so you have no idea how hard this was for me, but it’s high time to do it.
So, for all those Mr. and Miss In Betweens out there, there’s hope for you. It’s ok to pass up that easy sex once in a while, if you actually want more. Let’s make a pact to do it together, so we can all find something better for us.
Wegs