Yep, it’s been a while since I’ve done a straight up Dating by Wegs post. However, I know my loyal readers long for a good laugh on a Friday, and for new readers, maybe you’ll get a kick out of this segment of the blog.

I’d like to catch everyone up on where I’ve been for the better part of a year in this regard. My divorce finalized in July 2019. I had stopped this segment of the blog (save the COVID segment) since roughly May 2019. Since then, I tried to focus on myself and dating organically, in lieu of on the apps. It’s been a great experience, which I can catalog over time. I know most people do not read my sports content, and the social commentary content has been a main focus. I did get back on the apps in May of this year, so more on that later. I wanted to be more social than COVID-19 was allowing. I’m going to start sharing experiences again. However, realize that there are many challenges with this segment. Here are a few:

  • Pressure – When I was posting every Friday, I started to feel pressure to go on dates just to have content. That is not why I’m going on dates, so that was a main reason I stopped posting (not dating).
  • Sensitivity – Believe it or not, I’m a pretty good guy, so it is a fine line sharing stories from actual dates without expressed written consent of my date. So, I always wax and wane about sharing those elements of my life that involve someone else, but alas….
  • Self-Exploration – For me, the posts started as really an understanding of the new realm of dating (the apps) and how that impacts daters like me who are new to it. As a more seasoned dater now, I have that aspect down, so I wanted to focus on myself more.

Last bit of catch up before we hit this week’s topic, I am now officially an empty nester. Strange enough to say out loud, but I took my daughter to college a couple of weeks ago. So, through the separation 2 years ago, finalizing the divorce last year, and my daughter going to school, I feel like I’m fully single at this point. That is a huge difference, to be honest. Not that I do not have responsibilities, but my life has fundamentally changed from just 2.5 years ago. I’ve prepared for this day, and dating/being single is a huge part of it.

The Qualified Lead

I was inspired to share again because in the past 2 months I have had at least 3 friends who have tried to “set me up” with someone. I thought it would be a great topic to explore and share my takes on the process.

Loyal readers will remember the Blind Date post I did almost 2 years ago, so yes this is similar content, but I think the current set ups have given me more to work with.

The Set Up or Blind Date is old school. It is meeting the old fashioned way in the strictest sense of the word. I call it the “Qualified Lead” because in sales you either have to make a “cold call” on a new customer from a list of prospects, which to be honest is how the dating apps are or meeting at a bar. The difference between a cold call in sales and the apps or bar is that you can actually see a person. So, it is not completely blind. With the Qualified Lead in sales, there is an established relationship there, so in our case, the dater (me) relies on the judgment and screening of the friend or relative to “qualify” the potential date for you. Here in lies the problem.

I would say 95% of Qualified Leads in dating come from married couples. What is it with married couples and singles?

Rant warning – Being single is not a problem or a disease. Singles, like me, are happy and fulfilled. No, we do not have a person who we come home to every night or have the potential of regular sex every night (not my experience in marriage, btw). So, we do appreciate the gesture of pairing up the 2 single people you know together, but please read this post……

Ok, back to the point, there are benefits to the qualified lead. One of the hardest things for most singles is to start the conversation or initiate whether that is through the apps or in person. The Qualified Lead cuts through that to an extent. At least you know the person is going to respond. Great!

Another benefit to the Qualified Lead is that if it does work out, then you have a guaranteed circle of friends to share from the jump. Again, probably more of a benefit to the coupled friends who do the set up, but still.

Lastly, it is flattering to be considered for such an honor. I mean whoever is orchestrating the set up must like you or think you are good enough to meet their friend or colleague.

To me, the Qualified Lead really falls short on several fronts.

  • Who is Qualifying? As stated, 95% of Qualified Leads are coming from married couples who haven’t dated in this decade. Here’s the judgement part, for most married people, you forget what single people are looking for or more importantly you think the most important trait the set up people have in common is that they are BOTH SINGLE!! I’m speaking to the Qualifiers now, remember who you are setting up. Do they really have things in common? Or do you just really like both people and would love to have made a match? I had a married friend set me up earlier this summer. On the surface, it seemed good – she is fit, a single mom, has a good job, etc. Right? So, I figure – what the hell, it’s a pandemic, so…. I texted the person, and it was a good text conversation. Since I knew she was a single mom, and I’m a single parent, I asked a very normal question about her custody schedule – really trying to understand her availability. Well, it turns out as great as she is, she literally just separated from her husband, and I mean within the last couple weeks of our interaction. She’s right in the middle of a divorce now, and after actually meeting her in person, she has very limited time to get together due to the situation. Again, no issue with the introduction, but Qualifying the Lead is more than just putting two people together.
  • Obligation Dilemma – As the Set Uppee, I feel obligated to follow through on the set up. I mean what am I gonna do. I’m single and have limitless time on my hands, right? Plus, I’m not going to spurn hospitality, and maybe this person will be the woman of my dreams. Here is how the story goes. I literally had my Aunt in the Bay Area text me just the other day. Totally out of the blue. Here is the text chain gist (not actual texts just a summary):
    • Aunt – Hey, are you dating? I have someone who you really might like.
    • Me – Sure I am. Does the person live in Chicago?
    • Aunt – No, she’s in the Bay Area
    • Me – Oh ok, well, why not?

I’ll have you know I did text the person, and she does seem wonderful. I’ll give it a shot, but honestly, it’s that feeling of obligation that makes the Qualified Lead difficult. I guess I’m not great at saying no.

  • Matchmaker Syndrome – Again, I’m speaking to married couples now. Do you have that married friend who at dinner parties or when you are with the single friend who spends the entire time mentally putting two single people together? “You know who would be perfect for you…..” Or “I think so and so would be great with so and so.” Look, it’s cool, but you are not Patty Stanger. I’m the type of person that is always up for meeting someone new whether it be overt, like my married friend above or aunt or at a party, but us singles can figure it out ourselves. Just invite your single friends to your next party, but DO NOT just invite 2 people you want to set up without their knowledge.
    • I remember in my last singles stint in my 30s, a buddy invited me to dinner with his friends. They sat me next to the lone single woman. Admittedly, she was my type – translation: fit, African American, very pretty. At the end of dinner, she drove me to my car, I think, and the first thing she told me was – “I don’t want kids. I don’t like them. Is that cool with you?” At the time, I definitely wanted more children, but more importantly, I just met this person. I felt a little ambushed, and you can understand that I never did see that person again. I can’t emphasize enough that just because we are single does not mean we will fall in love and get married with your other single friend. There is much more involved. The other issue with this approach is then the singles are part of some strange social experiment where everyone is watching if the two singles mate or some shit.
      • Look as the male moves closer to the female at the table
      • The female laughs – indication of attraction
      • Etc. – We are not the entertainment for the party/dinner, ok!!!

Alright, let’s bring this back. The Qualified Lead is a viable method to meeting someone. I think it is great. However, the Qualifiers of the world need to remember that Singles are not the diseased, we are picky af, and we want things to work naturally, even if we really want to meet someone. So, be sensitive to these facts.

For the daters out there, remember, any means necessary. You should be open to meeting someone any time and any where, but you know what you want and what you are looking for (or that is step one). So, you do not have to accept a Qualified Lead and more importantly, just like 99% of first dates or meetings, they will not work out. That is totally ok!! I always feel that dating is a skill. It takes practice and repetition. Until you feel you can be 100% yourself on a date even in a set up situation, you should keep getting out there until you can. Then, hopefully, we all will meet that person who makes us happy.

Until next time.

Wegs

About the author

I'm a 49 year old, twice divorced guy with a 20 year old. The blog has morphed a bit lately. Not just sports or dating, social commentary and now some stories from my past experience.