Dating by Wegs: COVID-19 Edition

I know it has literally been months, since I’ve posted on dating on this site. That was pretty intentional. I think most people do not understand how difficult it can be to walk that fine line between full disclosure of ones life (which I usually do too much) and actually dating and figuring out what life is like for myself. So, the break was good from writing on this topic.

I have dated the ole’ fashioned way for a while now. It’s been pretty liberating, and I’ll share some stories at some point about it. However, today, in following the Corona Virus themed posts, I thought I’d touch on how people are still dating with all these restrictions.

Baseline Psychology

For those of you that know me, I am an extremely social person, a true extrovert. That Irish side make up is really strong in me. Sure, I can be disciplined and lock down with the best of them for a period of time. However, I’m an inherently social creature. So, not being able to go out and interact with anyone, let alone potential dates, is extremely difficult.

I think everyone’s underlying psychological make up is challenged in this time. Whether you are an introvert or extrovert, the human species is not meant to be isolated. We are meant to interact with each other. Now, introverts may enjoy their private time or recharge more on their own, but trust me, I have several friends who are introverted, and they are struggling, too during this period.

Another element here is that putting strong suggested or near mandatory restrictions on people is going to trigger stuff in all of us. Social isolation can cause depression, loneliness, and unlock basic attachment issues we feel. Personally, I’m incredibly disciplined when it comes to hygiene and food prep and exercise, but (sorry mom), I’ve been so horny. Why? Well, I think it is just that need to connect. I’m doing it in the ways permitted, and not sexually, but I think that for me, having meaningful in-person interactions is a need of mine. So, on my own, that need in me comes out in a very different way when by myself all the time. It’s definitely something I’m working through.

Truth is, I don’t think I’m alone here. All this distancing challenges us. Now, the people in marriages or established relationships may have triggers, too. I’m sure the distance we normally have in our daily lives being nearly eliminated with our partners may aggravate us or really push us to new places in that relationship. However, you have each other. I’m not asking for you to lament the single person, but there is a reason I keep seeing the “Quarantine Bae” references on social media all the time. People need connection.

It’s important to remember that no matter what is going on in the world that what I’m going to call “romantic” social interaction is going to happen. I mean babies are conceived in war times. Love affairs have happened despite every measure of control. The saying, “Love will find a way” is in effect right now.

How to “Date” in Lockdown

So, most states in the Union have implemented “Stay At Home” or “Shelter in Place” orders. That means human ingenuity has to kick in. However, unlike any other time in history, technology gives us the opportunity to stay connected. Most of us have smart phones, laptops, tablets or the like and with the emergence of so many different apps that can put us face to face, the “date” can happen.

I spoke to a friend about 2 weeks ago when this first hit Chicago, and she told me she had a virtual coffee date on Zoom. At the time, I was like, “What?” Not that it wasn’t possible, of course, but given my current take on using the apps to meet people – I don’t anymore – and my general dating rule of pushing to meet someone in person as quickly as possible, the concept was foreign to me. Sure, I’ve had FaceTime calls with family and friends before, but a first date virtually was just not even in my vernacular.

As I’ve checked in with other single friends during this time, I realized that pretty much everyone is following this protocol. And why not? I mean if we are going to be kept inside by our lonesome, why not spend 60 or 90 minutes on a video call with someone new.

Ironically, my experience last year kinda paved the way for this type of thing. As some of you may recall, I had some negative experiences with what I would say were fake profiles, and almost everyone of them pushed me to use either Google Hangouts, Whats App or Facebook Messenger, in lieu of the app we met on itself. So, admittedly, I’m a little negatively predisposed to the concept. Still, dating and connecting with someone romantically is tied up in our DNA.

In doing some research, a lot of dating platforms like Bumble and new ones like Badoo, have launched Video Chatting features to their apps. Here is an article I saw about it:

https://www.vox.com/the-goods/2020/4/3/21198794/coronavirus-video-dating-tinder-hinge-grindr

Now, how do we approach this thing?

So, we know it is possible to actually date remotely and not face to face in person. What are the differences?

I had a deep conversation with another single friend just the other day. She, like my other friend, has been engaging in virtual dates a lot. We talked a lot about what the differences are both pros and cons. Here is the summary of what we discussed.

• Dating Virtually Is More Objective – For her (and we decided me, too), when you are just talking to someone on a Video Call that you don’t know very well, you can view the interaction at more face value. What does this person have in common with me? What are they actually saying to me? Are they listening to me? You are literally removed from the stressful situation of meeting someone for the first time. You may be more immune to their charms and focus on the actual interaction.
• No Pheromones or Energies to Deal With – Now, this is my point in dating. I always wanted to get in front of someone to see if we “clicked.” Even good phone conversations may mean a lousy date, if we weren’t attracted to one another at that level. I, personally, think that we underestimate our instincts when dating. Pheromones are literally detected by your olfactory or smell centers, and not “oh she smells good” but at some primal level you feel attracted to someone and those are the pheromones. The other part of the in-person interaction is a person’s energy. Forget about the primal side here, but sometimes you can just feel a person’s energy and where they are: negative or positive, hyper or chill, etc. That energy can be appealing or repulsive. I think the Video Chat can lower our ability to detect either of those. However, to my friend’s point, she is able to be much more objective on Video Call Dates because she doesn’t have those other issues swimming around her collective experience.
• Low Commitment – One benefit or curse to the Video Chat versus an in-person interaction is the lack of actual commitment. I mean it literally takes one touch of a screen to stop a bad Video Chat date. In person, it is much harder to just walk away or end something. In fact, as my friend and I discussed, if we are out with someone on a physical date, then we might as well make the most of it. Plus, if we had fun, then why not go out with them again. It doesn’t mean you cannot do that on a Video Chat date, but I mean how much can you do on one of those dates. Plus, if there isn’t a real strong connection on the Video Chat Date, then the length and likelihood of another one diminishes quickly.
• Ability to Stack – Lastly, it doesn’t take much to schedule another Video Chat date back to back which in physical dates, that can be logistically and physically difficult sometimes, as I’ve written about in the past. So, like the swipe culture of dating has its issues, the Video Chat can be pretty fleeting, too.

Where Does that Leave Us?

Well, to me, people are people. We are going to be social no matter what. Whether this thing lasts another month or 2, we will make it through in whatever manner meets our needs. I’m sure there will be plenty of people that meet during this time virtually and will move on to solid relationships. Others will just connect this way and drop it for in-person interactions when it’s over.

I’m predicting that at the end of this, hopefully by the summer in Chicago. We are going to have what I’m calling – Thirsty Summer 2020. It could be the biggest period of hook ups in the history of modern dating. No, it won’t be like the Baby Boom of 1945, but in the short run, it’s like an extended hibernation period for us Chicagoans. Except, it is going to be across the country. People are going to party like never before.

I do think that some will re-evaluate their lives and maybe move towards more meaningful relationships. However, once the freedom returns, I would expect a very high spike in short-term connections to fulfill that underlying need. And yes, I’m talking about myself, too, obviously.

After a couple months of in-person chaos, then we can return to our normal patterns, but we may find that the Video Chat date is here to stay or used even more frequently than before. Since we will all be more comfortable with the idea, and like my friend said, maybe a little objectivity will help decide if an in-person date is warranted. Plus, since it seems all the dating app platforms are adapting to offer the feature, then it will be easier to do anonymously without sharing person information.

Until then, Video Chat, text, email, and hell even write a letter or card to that special someone. Do what you gotta do to get through because the Corona Virus will not stop Dating.

Stay healthy and safe.

Wegs