It’s been an entire week that I have been trying to kick start my dating routine again. I thought today I’d cover some communication tips that hopefully will get you actually in front of someone.
Dating By Wegs
Rule #20: Meet Face to Face ASAP
I have spent a lot of time talking about how to be creative for dates and even how to communicate with your date once you have met. However, I think I kinda glossed over how to actually land that date in the first place. Over the past couple months on virtual hiatus from dating, I had the chance to talk to some people I care about, some of my cousins and friends, who have grown frustrated with the apps. In asking questions to figure out why, I learned that most people on the apps are virtually non-committal in meeting in person or just drop conversations really easily. I have had my share of the same, so I thought – How can we get this person to actually meet me?
So, the basic premise of dating in general is to meet someone special. Or at a minimum meet someone new that you can have a shared experience with IN PERSON. I do think the main psychological issue with the dating apps is the lack of commitment from the person on the other side of the chat. Now, let’s break this down. We all have certain characteristics that we are attracted to – physically, interests, and even communication styles. The apps remove us from picking up on additional cues we would be able to read that come off non-verbally. At a bar or dinner party, if you are speaking with someone, you can see if they are making eye contact with you, laughing at your jokes or even getting closer or touching you – all signs the person is actually interested in you. The apps remove this element, and put you in a literal, virtual guessing game. You write a message and wait for a response. If you are me, then you judge the other person’s interest by the quickness of response, length and even if they use an emoji or “lol” or some other cute response. The other element is there are so many people and profiles to compete with for this persons attention. So, how can we manage this?
Well, I’m here to suggest a different path, and this may be tougher for the heterosexual ladies out there, but if you are experiencing lackluster responses or conversations that fizzle quickly, what do you have to lose? The #1 goal of any interaction on the apps (or even in person at the grocery store) is to have this person meet you in person at a later time and go on a date. So, why not put that in your profile, first and foremost? I’ve seen it on some women’s profiles – “Not looking for a penpal” or “Actually want to meet someone in person.” I think that is great start.
The second thing I would do is come up with a personal timeline. If you start communicating with someone on the app, then how long are you willing to wait it out before meeting them? I think most dating gurus suggest meeting someone within 7 days of initial contact, and I would tend to agree. Of course, we all have busy schedules, but at least a commitment to get together is not too much to ask. After all, we are on this app to MEET SOMEONE!! Don’t let someone continually come up with excuses or more importantly hit you up after 2 weeks of no communication to then not meet you again. A person who disappears and pops up later is probably – A) Dating someone else to see where it goes or B) Doesn’t have the time to date right now. My experience is if someone is genuinely interested and ready to date someone, then they will make the time to see you.
Finally, once you have started to interact via the chat room, then ask to meet up as soon as you feel comfortable. For me, that is really quickly. I harken back to my Match.com days in my last single stint. Typically, speaking, I would ask the woman out in that first exchange. What’s funny is in talking to some of my female cousins – they all complained that guys don’t ask me out or set up a date. Fellas, I’m disappointed in you out there. The only way to see if someone is your type or worth your time is by spending some time with them. Meeting someone for one date is not a marriage proposal. You can do it, have a nice experience, and then move on, if that person isn’t right for you. However, ladies, I do have to say that this is 2019, stop waiting for the guy to ask you out. Unconventional, yes, but being forward is not a turn off, like the old dating books say. You are doing it for you, not them. If the guy or person is interested, then they will agree. There are other ways to do this without taking that overt role. I’ve heard this myself. A woman can say – “I like the man to take the lead” or “I appreciate someone who plans a date.” Both are signals to the guy to step up and do something!!! If they don’t, then likely that person is not interested or not ready to actually date you yet. Now, the caveat I have to write is I’m not sure how same sex relationships work, but I would think that taking a lead either way is appreciated. Please feel free to comment to help me understand those dynamics.
On to the story, as I said I recently jumped back into dating. Even the great Jimmy Wegs has to get back into form with a couple months off. So, as I typically do, I went in guns a blazing. I had 2 very different interactions with people in setting up dates this past week.
Date 1: I swiped on this very attractive woman on Bumble. I’m pretty sure I had seen her several months ago, but I figured I’d try again – she is really pretty. So, we matched, and she said, “Hi.” After some back and forth on basics, I asked if she was free on Friday night. She said yes, but wanted me to meet her in the suburbs – which was not ideal for me. However, I was willing to do so – like I said she is hot. So, I figured out a location that seemed nice, and we even spoke on the phone – which is kinda atypical these days. She was sweet, and I was excited to meet her. On the day of, I asked what time was she able to meet up via text. Then, she called and told me she had a friend’s party to attend, and could we meet up in the city for a drink afterwards? Of course, I said yes, after all, I had planned to be with her and I didn’t want to go out to the burbs. Later in the evening, via text she told me things were not going well, and would I meet her in the burbs later on? Here is the moment of truth for me – I was committed to meeting her, but she had already changed our plans twice now, and in the end asked me to drive out to the burbs with no set time. So, I told her we should re-schedule. I did text her a couple of times over the next 2 days, and now I haven’t heard from her. Oh, and even though I had her number, she had already deleted her Bumble profile – not a good sign.
Date 2: Another Bumble match, which I actually had to extend 24 hours for her to initially communicate with me. When she did reach out, we had a very easy conversation that flowed nicely. After some back and forth of interests, I picked up on her love of the ballet and theater. So, I asked about plays she wanted to see – suggesting a couple for Friday night. She chose one, and when I asked about her dinner preference – she said, “Surprise me.” She also said, “I love when the man takes the lead…” As I wrote above, this told me 2 things – 1) I’m very happy to plan dates so Green Light there and 2) She is willing to meet me without trying to change things around – which unlike Date 1 – which makes me think she is interested in ME not where or when. It is a little premature to write more, as we are meeting tonight and I’ll apologize to her tonight for including her in this post. However, this is how a date set up should look like, and I’m excited to meet this woman.
The lesson here is going back to Straightforward Communication – Rule #12. Be clear in your intentions, set personal guidelines and follow them, and do not be afraid to reach out or indicate that you actually want to meet. Most relationships, dating or otherwise, are not built on your couch on the phone via a message or text. We all need those non-verbal cues and in-person interactions to see if real interest is there. Don’t settle for less.
Wegs
This is awesome
Thanks! From one of your cousins