Dating like life is really about communicating with others. The more people I got out with, the more I understand how difficult it can be to communicate with someone else. It can feel like we are speaking different languages at times.
Dating By Wegs
Rule #12 – Straightforward Open Communication Is the Best Method
The truth is most people in the world do not say what they mean. How many times do we go through our days where people are telling you one thing and then do a completely opposite action? For me, dating puts you in the direct path of these mixed signals. I grew up with a mom who taught me, my brother and sister to do our best to say exactly what we meant. The problem with that teaching is most people do not follow that advice.
I’ve referenced before that I’ve had at least 2 dates now that basically told me that they were taking things slowly physically, which I was totally for given my situation, and then later that night got lost in the moment and the proverbial magic happened. I’m not sure what that is about for those women. I could speculate on what was going through their heads at that moment. Society does have a different standard for women than it does for men when it comes to sex specifically. Women are expected to be coveted and not make a move, while men are encouraged to try things until shut down. It puts both people in a tough position. So, the only thing you can do is be clear on your intentions before the date, during the date, and after any action.
“Wegs, I do a lot better by keeping things mysterious with my dates.” You know I can see that position. It is easier in some ways to keep things in a gray area because in the end actions speak greater than words. So, if you are the type of person who doesn’t feel comfortable talking to your date about everything, then I can see why your actions will send the message. However, I guess for me, the way I approach dating is to be upfront with people. Now, it’s not like I’m saying – “I want to have sex with you tonight” or “I expect us to keep things super casual, is that ok?” I mean I’m a 45 year old, twice divorced (almost), dad of a 16 year old kid. I have to live with my truth about my situation. I let potential dates make the decision to date me, continue to date me and if that means sexual contact to make their own decisions on continuing our path together. I feel like I have set my own boundaries when it comes to my feelings and where I want to be with regards to a committed and monogamous relationship at this point in time. I don’t think I’m ready for one right now, and I want to explore who I am and meet people enjoying time together – including sexual experience if that happens.
Most people cannot handle that, and I respect it. However, what I don’t think is fair is to expect me to change my boundaries based on where someone else is in their own process. In the end, the only way to truly interpret the message given to you is to see if the their actions match up to their words. I’m all about asking clarifying questions and confirming understanding of my message to them. However, the actions tell the true story and ultimately translates the true message.
On to the experience, so, I had a couple of quality dates with someone I really liked. She is a beautiful and smart woman with a good career. Going in, I knew given her age and her desire to have a family, that despite her positive attributes, I may not be ready to be with her in the way she desired. She is a good person that deserves what she wants. However, I was clear with where I was at both in terms of my desires and that I am openly dating other people.
Now, we did have a very connected sexual experience together one night. That experience happened after what I thought to be a clear talk on where both of us were in terms of relationship and desire for sexual intimacy. So, honestly, after that talk (prior to the experience), I did not expect to have sex at all. Her verbal message told me that sex was a relationship thing, and so when I made it clear I wasn’t ready for that, I did think we were on the same page. When things did happen, it was a complete explosion of desire, which of course, I wanted. We really had a great time. However, my position had not changed in terms of commitment level.
As you can imagine, this differential has created a definite tension between us. In fact, we did go out again after that night, and we had a pretty deep follow up conversation. Ironically, when we started the talk, I focused on my feelings – because I was scared at that level of connection that took place. I told her I was surprised that it happened given the conversation we had beforehand and the depth of connection given the stage of relationship we had at that point. I followed my rule of being straightforward and open about my feelings sticking with my boundaries on what I am looking for at this point. She really focused on the irresponsible nature of our interaction and potential STDs and the like. I was like, huh? What are you trying to say? In the end, I understood what she was saying, and agree that we both could have been better about things. As a result, I did get a regular test after our talk for peace of mind on both of our parts.
Unfortunately, the tension continued, as when I shared my results with her, honestly and openly, I did not get the desired response. For me, I do not share that type of information with people – ever. Medical results are very personal, and even if it is the responsible and right thing to do, no one made me do it. I felt like she didn’t have any empathy or more importantly any appreciation for taking that step and sharing the results. I mean for me, sex is more than sharing your test results. It connects people on a variety of levels. I accept that sexual intimacy triggers a lot of feelings for people, so I hope she is ok in her life, but to be honest, the interaction we had and the entire line of distrust without compassion for the level of intimacy it takes for me to share such a personal thing with her kinda kills my feelings for her. I can only interpret this mixed signal of desired intimacy and yet lack of compassion as this process is not about me, Jimmy Wegs, but about her – which is totally fine. It is just not for me and what I’m looking for right now. To quote, the Ariana Grande song, “Thank you, Next.”
In writing all this, the entire experience reminds me of an experience I had in my 20s, when I was sexually involved with a woman. We had dated and were sexually active for a couple weeks, but I was dating other women at that point. I remember she sat me down and told me she had herpes, which I responded by telling her I cared about her health but could not continue to be involved with her (probably something she should have shared the other 2 or 3 times we were involved!). I left and a day later she told me she was lying and wanted to see my response – which I “failed” the test. What!?! I still got tested back then, and was fine, but playing with people like this is not something I’m about. This recent experience is not the same thing specifically, but the feeling remains the same for me. It is some kind of play on intimacy/trust. Do you know how to build trust? Talk about what you feel and actually follow through with actions!!
The lesson here is that I can feel good about being consistent, straightforward and open about my feelings, intentions and desires. That is all I can control in the situation. It does open myself up to being hurt in a way when the other person doesn’t respond in the way I expected. However, I can walk away knowing that I was transparent in the situation. I will likely be maybe a little less free wheeling with regards to sex, as a result, because there are a lot of impacts involved beyond potential STDs and the like.
As you get out there, stick to your guns with regards to communicating what you actually mean and feel and are looking for on this date and subsequent relationship. That is all you control. Plus, the translation of a message comes from how the person acts towards you.
Wegs