That’s right, we are going to talk about it. It was inevitable at some point the topic would come up, as after all, we are living creatures with needs and desires. So, before vaulting into this juicy topic, I wanted to give the opportunity to my mom and other family members a chance to skip this post, if necessary. (Although, I will not give any rich details.)
Dating By Wegs
Rule #10 – Don’t Lead With Sex, Let It Happen Naturally
Personal Background First
Since we are going into this hot topic, let me get my personal stuff out of the way to give readers a frame of reference on where I come from. First, I was raised Catholic, where sex is only for marriage and there is so much guilt floating around sex, it is almost a brand on you. At the same time, multiple family members (including me) got married as a result of or after learning about an “unplanned” pregnancy (which means we were all having sex prior to marriage), which in and of itself tells you the conundrum every Catholic feels on the topic. Second, in both my marriages (and I’d imagine most long term relationships) sex became a big hang up for me – meaning the frequency did not meet my expectations. I say this to frame not only my personal drive, but the understanding that sex is important and each person has different needs when it comes to sex. Finally, I will say with a lot of self-consciousness of everyone who is reading this that I have embraced in myself that I am a sexual being. “Settle down, Big Fella.” What I mean by this is that I know that for me to be happy, I look for that type of connection with my partner – both short and long term. I know it through 2 marriages and past relationships. So, sexual connection may not be the primary motivation for dating someone, but being true to myself and my nature is something I am doing now – more than before.
Overall Basics to Remember
Ok, enough about me and the slightly uncomfortable exposition for a second, let’s delve into sex and why is it such a big deal. At its core, the sexual act is about survival, right? I mean each of us on this planet would not be here had it not been from sex. That basic instinct of being desired and desiring someone else is really hardwired into our species for procreation. Now, I do want to fact check here, I do acknowledge that there are people in this world that identify as asexual or perhaps some other iteration I am not familiar with that does not have the same drive or instinct as me or anyone else. As a writer of a blog read by a few people, I understand there is a wide variety of sexual experience, need and activity in the world. However, it is hard to deny that sexual attraction between two people – hetero or otherwise – is indeed natural. Denying it openly by religion or some other choice is allowed, of course, but in a dating world, which assumes you are going to interact with others looking to connect, I would hope that knowing sex is part of the equation is important.
The other point I wanted to put out there generally before getting into specific dating behavior, is that sexual activity/connection should always be consensual. There are just too many stories about people being forcibly coerced or violated, especially in the “Me too” era. Please, for the love of all things holy, be a good person and confirm with your potential partner that whatever you do is desired by both parties. I mean really, non-consensual sex ruins things for everyone. I’ve dated women who have been sexually assaulted, and the trust needed to cross that threshold with a caring person is still difficult for some people and of course it would be. Plus, the experience is so much better when both people are into the experience.
Sex and Dating
Alright, enough of the soap box and general comments, but now that you understand that personally, I come from a Catholic/guilt model of sex, have struggled in both my marriages on this topic, and now have embraced myself to be a sexual creature because a) it’s in our DNA and b) I only strive for consensual situations, maybe we can talk about why you don’t lead with sex (I know seems a little hypocritical given the start of this post).
As a recently single guy, I think the expectation is for me to try to have sex with every possible woman I can. I mean that is the “Single Life,” right? Well, it’s not like that for me. Sure, I am a Sexual Being and all, but to me, dating someone new is about getting to know them. We take the time to learn about who they are as a person, their family background, what interests them and even their dating experiences. Then, it is only natural to explore this person on a sexual basis. Now, admitting my own bias that sex and intimacy are very linked, probably more so than the next person. I try to go into each situation as open as I can about the person, including sex. For all I know, the person across from me is thinking anywhere from they want to hook up that night or wait until marriage. Personally, I find it much more interesting if I just focus on the moment. Have a great date with someone and let it flow from there. I think the generalization that men are all about sex is a bit unfair. Of course, us guys, want sex, but you’d be surprised that women want to connect sexually as much as guys sometimes. The important thing here is not to lead with sex.
I actually had a date the other day who said it pretty clearly. To paraphrase, she said, “When a guy just leads with sex, it’s a turn off, but when he acts like he is not trying and just talks to me about everything else, then I want to take my clothes off.” I think that was spot on. Attraction for men and women can be very different – a guy may be just interested in the physical characteristics, while a woman may be attracted to everything else. So, I would say that from experience over the past few months, there is no reason to force the issue. If you are interested in the person, then stay interested in all of them. The crossover from conversation to kissing to something more will just happen – sometimes in a flash.
The other thing I wanted to say here was that since my last single stint, the sexual/dating world has changed quite a bit. Specifically, the concept of polyamory or being in a relationship with someone who is also involved with someone else openly seems a lot more common with younger women (and I’m sure men) than when I was that age. The other concept of pansexualism which is another new term for me meaning someone is attracted to many different types of people – men, women, transgender, etc. I have met women who are both pansexual and polyamorous, which probably existed 8-10 years ago, but it is more in the mainstream now. I probably won’t be in this world personally, but through my interactions with some people, I have learned a lot more about how the world has changed and to me a lot more open sexually.
In lieu of cataloging interactions with specific woman here, as I am very respectful of all the women I’ve dated, I’d like to lay out a few suggestions on how to NOT LEAD WITH SEX and also how to talk about it.
Suggestions
First, review all the other rules I’ve posted. Sex has come up in Rule #10. That should tell you that if you focus on all the other aspects of dating like creativity, getting to know the person beyond the photos, screening properly and most of all – HAVING FUN!!, then you are more than halfway there.
I think one rule that jumps out related to sex is Focus on Yourself. “Wait, Wegs, do you mean focus on your sexual needs?” Not exactly. Focusing on Yourself is about knowing who you are. Maybe you are the one who wants to wait a specified period of time before sexual intimacy. Maybe you know that sex is really important to you, and you should talk to your date about it earlier than the 2nd or 3rd or whatever the socially acceptable time to discuss it would be. I think anyone should know what they are comfortable with or not. I will relay one story here briefly. I went on a date early on off Tinder, and there were some warning signs early on that made me feel uncomfortable prior to this part, however, after the date, we went back to her place, which any guy would want on a first date, right? Then, we kissed and things got heated a bit, but, when she asked me if I liked to be choked or my hair pulled, I found myself laughing a bit – nervously. The truth is I’m not against those things generally with a partner that I have a level of intimacy with, but this was our first meeting and I wasn’t there yet in my journey to just let it go. So, our date ended and I actually kinda cut off communication with her. I don’t think she was some crazy person or even abnormal sexually necessarily, but I knew in that moment I didn’t feel comfortable with that person at that point in time. Presented with the same set of circumstances again, maybe I would respond differently, but I knew myself right then, and much to the chagrin of my buddies, actually passed up on sex with someone….
We haven’t gone over this particular rule yet, but communication is really important when it comes to dating and definitely to sex. As I said, moving from a really pleasurable conversation to a sexual interlude can be seamless sometimes, but it would help if at some point you discuss how you both feel about it. Now, a disclaimer, I have had a few experiences where the discussion around sex prior to the act is markedly different, in terms of expectations, than the act itself, which is maybe my fault in not understanding. However, I try to be as upfront and open about where I am personally when it comes to both sex and my ability to be in a committed relationship at this time. I would rather be as honest as possible with where I am, so if we do cross the threshold that expectations after the event match up with what I stated beforehand. The other thought around communication is to continue to communicate even after the interaction goes forward. It isn’t very sexy to discuss step by step how someone feels before or after sexual connection. However, there is nothing wrong with checking in with your date/partner both during and after to see if the other person is doing ok. This confirms consent and builds trust. I’m a giver and nurturer by nature, so all that communication comes pretty naturally to me. I would strongly suggest you do some form of check in, especially in those early connections.
Finally, the last element of the sexual experience is feeling and being safe. You should be sure to take care of yourself in every way you need to. This includes contraception/protection and regular STD testing on the physical side and therapy, boundary setting and communication on the emotional side. I’m sure I could devote several blog posts on this aspect alone, but do what you need to do to be safe.
I am not perfect in any aspect of this process, but I want to be happy sexually and want my partner or partners to be happy to. Honestly, I am working through this very aspect in my dating life, as I figure out how to be this Sexual Being on the one side and a kind, caring person who likes to connect with more than one person on the other. They are not mutually exclusive at all, but my Catholic/guilt hardwiring really challenges the notion of an active sexual life. I know at some level I will “settle down” again in a monogamous relationship when the time is right. For now, I try to continue to stay present and dialed into each person I encounter whether that involves sexual contact or not, as focusing on other aspects really makes dating so much more rich and enjoyable.
To close, I harken back to Sandburg Junior High and all the yearbook inscriptions that said, “Get laid this summer.” Instead, I would say, to go out and meet someone and really connect this winter, and the sex will happen when it’s time and probably better than you could imagine.
Wegs