After a nice hiatus in the lovely Vegas area, I’m back for another post on Dating.
Dating By Wegs
Rule #9 – Make The Most of Every Experience
I’m a firm believe in living life to its fullest. Doing so means you need to open yourself up to new experiences even if they present themselves in unique ways. Also, I’ve really enjoyed being super genuine and present in every interaction I have had of late. That has lead to some really positive experiences without an end being the primary goal. Before we tie this concept into the Blind Date, let’s dig into that idea.
Ah, the Blind Date, in today’s modern dating world, the concept feels like an antiquated concept. Before the internet or even the phone, people have been setting each other up for generations. The term, Blind Date, stems from the fact that people used to not have all the information about someone and really Blind because you met them without seeing a photo to judge. There are 2 sides to the Blind Date that I want to discuss:
- The Qualified Lead – So, one of the main differences between today’s dating experience online or app from the way it used to be was the person you met was somehow related to a person you know. In fact, I’m a product of a blind date. I harken back to my grandparents on my dad’s side. My grandfather’s brother, Great Uncle Walter, actually was married to my grandmother’s sister, Great Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine told my grandmother about this young man who had returned from the War (WWII), and my Uncle Walter made the meeting happen. After 4 kids, 9 grandkids and now 10 great grandkids, the rest is history. I mean what better way for someone to meet another person. Now, of course, it doesn’t always work out like my grandparents, but the “Set Up” or “Blind Date” or “Qualified Lead” has been part of the dating world forever. It works because someone knows both people fairly well. As a single person, you have to be open to meeting this person, and stick to your screening process, if possible, but the Qualified Lead should lessen the “Creeper” factor out of things. Plus, if it does work, then the melding of friendships can be a really nice perk long term.
- Single Is A Disease Theory – The downside to the Set Up is most people in relationships, especially couples who have been married for a long time are not the best judges of potential dates/mates. What often happens is the Couples Friends have that one single friend and they want that person to meet the only other single person they know. I mean, “Who wants to be single? It’s awful.” That perspective assumes that 2 single people will immediately have things in common and most of all – the desperate desire to be with someone else. So, in most cases, the Qualified Lead today is not very qualified. It is based solely on relationship status – Single. Most of your friends genuinely want you to be happy, so it comes from a good place, but knowing what a person really is interested in and what turns them on, can be quite different than how the coupled friend sees things.
In many ways, I would love to have this happen now, but our society has changed a lot. People tend to move out of their original neighborhood living situation from a more closed cultural experience to a way more open situation. People wait until they are in a more established position to marry and have children. So, the idea of setting two people up with the same interests does not happen as often as it once did. Plus, people have access to a much wider pool of people out there. The apps open the world up to meetings that would never happen in the Set Up manner and there is value in that. I do like that I can literally meet someone from any background at any time. I’m not yolked into my circle of friends and the limited single people that they know.
I have had several “set ups” in my day. I can recall 2 of note from my previously divorced stint. The first was probably the one everyone would want. My buddy, who was also in an interracial relationship, had met his wife’s cousin who was a former Luvabull. For those who don’t know the reference, the Luvabulls are the NBA Chicago Bulls’ cheerleaders. Plus, she was African American, so I was all in on meeting her. We met, and she was amazing, no doubt – beauty inside and out. We had a few dates, but I was probably too recently divorced, plus I had knee surgery in that stretch which slowed our meetings. As an immature guy, I just cut her off when she canceled on coming over to visit me one time post-surgery. In retrospect, I probably gave up too soon on her. I’m sure she is married with beautiful children right now. That was an example of a high quality set up. The other one I remember from that time was this woman who was friends with this group of people I played volleyball with. As a guy who mostly dates AA and Latina women, the dating pool shrinks a bit from my mostly Caucasian friends. So, the Set Up is often, “She is great, single and your type.” Translation – she’s a single, AA female. Again, maybe not really my interests, but my general category. I met her at a friends’ bday dinner, and we were seated next to each other (Put the Single Diseased people together before it spreads!). She was attractive enough. I would have been interested. However, when she drove me back to my car, as we all had gone to a 2nd venue after dinner, she told me the unsolicited strong point that she didn’t want to have kids and dating a guy with a kid was really challenging to her, etc. I was like, “Well, we did just meet, so….” That was a little too intense for me. Needless to say, I never saw her again. So, those are kinda the spectrum of outcomes when it comes to Blind Dates.
(Literally the first Google Image in my Blind Date search.)
Now, on to the point of this rule, and my most recent Blind Date experience.
I recently had lunch with a former co-worker to catch up on lives and networking, in general. This friend is married and an attorney. We reconnected a few months ago after her transition into private practice at a firm. In addition to dating, I’m big on networking. I think people to people contact is the basis of our society, and I truly enjoy reconnecting with people. So, during our lunch, I told her about both the podcast and this blog. She seemed to be intrigued by the blog. I told her some basic stories that I’ve relayed here. To get back to the Single Is A Disease Theory, in my recent single stint, I have realized that as much as coupled people seem to have a pity on us about being single, they love to hear the stories. I know it is more for entertainment purposes, but more people seem to be interested in my blog that are in relationships than otherwise. Anyway, as we talked, she mentioned her neighbor who likes to ice skate (as I mentioned the Winter is An Opportunity post). She proceeded to tell me how this person had varied interests, etc. I knew at that moment that I was about to be set up.
I was completely open to the idea. As my rule states, Make the Most of Every Experience, I said, “Sure, I’ll meet your friend.” Why not, right? I mean a lot of people stick to the apps because of the ease to meet people and the information garnered from the profile. However, I decided I should be open to kicking it Old School with a good ole’ fashioned Blind Date. And it was truly Blind, as I didn’t even request a photo. So, my friend put me in touch with her neighbor via text. Before the day was out, we communicated and had a date set up for the next evening. Why not?
Now, I picked a place convenient to us both at a bar I enjoy, Sheffield’s – http://www.sheffieldschicago.com/ – it’s a great neighborhood bar in Lakeview with a large beer selection and good BBQ if you like that kinda thing. I had plans for later that evening, so we met early at like 5 PM. I walked in and found her at the end of the bar. We relocated to the back bar to have the area to ourselves. I have to admit that she was not my type physically, which I’m sure will be considered shallow. She is an attractive enough person, but for me, I was not feeling it. However, I wanted to Make the Most of the Experience and get to know this person. So, we spent the next 2 hours talking and sharing our dating experiences. She is an interesting person who does have varied interests, for sure. I do enjoy meeting and getting to know new people even if a romantic relationship is not my primary focus. So, hopefully, the date went well for her, too.
I will admit that I have not communicated with her after our meeting. I may do so in the future, and to me, I’m not a ghost person. I would respond to communications and even do something like ice skate with her. However, it would just be to enjoy the experience and not a dating relationship angle. For me, dating is more than just meeting “The One.” It is about putting yourself out there, and staying present in that interaction. I was happy to have met my friend’s neighbor, even if we lacked the spark I was looking for in a dating relationship.
So, even if this Blind Date didn’t work, I would definitely be open to another one with someone new. I would hope the Coupled People out there and even the fellow singles who try to set up their friends try their best to really Qualify the Lead, so both people come into the date on the same page.
In the meantime, Make the Most out of Every Experience – dates, holiday parties or even a plane ride. You’ll be better for it.
Wegs