One of my favorite movies growing up was Ghostbusters. I mean I actually dressed up as the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man one year for Halloween (thanks, Mom!!). In the world of dating, we all have to be Ghostbusters, since the Ghost is one of the more common occurrences out there. The truth is the way we communicate is so much different than how it used to be. It is an education in human behavior.
Dating By Wegs
Rule #5: Abundance Principle (aka There’s Plenty of Fish in the Sea)
So, when I first came out of the marriage, even though it was something I ultimately wanted, I was extremely sensitive about communication. I’m one of those “over-communicators.” In my marriage, I would text my wife like 10 or more times per day with a near immediate response. This constant feedback and communication loop trained me in such a way that I expect all people to be this way. In my professional life, most people respond in a timely manner within a day or two, so you expect people to respond. However, in the world of dating, this is definitely not the case. In some ways, the ease of communication we have when we can reach someone electronically at all hours of the night via text, FB messenger, Snapchat, email or whatever makes you feel like you will get a quick response. The reality is that at the dating stage you are not a priority for the other person. So, you may not get a response within that “normal” timeframe or even at all. In coming out of my marriage and being conditioned to get immediate responses, I was not prepared for the infrequency of responses from potential dates.
I literally had to actively stop myself from sending multiple messages to people if we matched on an app. As I’ve explained before, most apps have 2 phases: Search Phase and Communication Phase. In Phase 1 I will call the “Search” phase where you are swiping through countless photos and profiles of potential daters. I think all of us create mini-narratives about each and every person we see in this stage. We see a beautiful face which piques our interest, then if you are me, you read everything you can about this person on their profile to see if they are a “match.” I’m sure I’m not the only one to have my imagination run to how great it would be to meet this person and of course, they are going to love me right away, right? I mean I’m a great guy, and she seems awesome, so this is a natural match. Well, in Phase 1 of the process, I really struggled with getting quality matches initially, as I’ve wrote about before. Only until recently have I had a good run of quality matches, mostly on Hinge. So, it was a definite blow to my ego.
What is the Abundance Principle? I have to credit another single buddy of mine and podcast co-host, Action, on this one. He read it in a Reddit article. He told me that the key to dating is employing the Abundance Principle, which really means that there are plenty of options out there for you. There is really no reason to get hung up on anyone at this stage of the game. You should keep swiping and more importantly if you show less interest, in some ways that makes you more attractive to the other person. At first, I really struggled with this concept. I mean we are taught at an early age the opposite concept of “The One.” That one person we have out there that is perfect for us. I come from a family with marriages of decades, couples that met in high school or college and are still going strong. And despite my 2nd failed marriage, I somehow believe in love and the ability to find “that person” for me. I think over time, I understand that the Abundance Principle and The One theory can actually exist in the same universe. Admittedly, I don’t necessarily believe whole heartedly in The One theory anymore, but I do think that you have a finite amount of people that you can connect with at a deep level and timing is everything. However, in order to meet that person, you have to be a little more distant at first, so you are not completely destroyed every time someone doesn’t Swipe Right on you.
Now, on to Phase 2, the second phase of the dating process is the communication part where you actually interact. On dating apps, that is the chat room and then on to dating. It is here where the Abundance Principle is most important. I’m dating myself, but the classic example of the downside to communication is that clever scene in the movie Swingers. Jon Favreau’s character is crushed by a break up, and he finally gets another woman’s number. Instead of waiting like his boys tell him, Favreau’s character calls the girl upon going home. Then, he wants to add something to the message. He calls again and again and again all that same night leaving messages on her answering machine until she picks up and tells him to never call her again. Now, this is a late 90s version of this concept. In this era of dating, the “Ghost” or “Ghosting” is so common. People do not explicitly write you to tell you they are not interested. In fact, the most common approach is people will just not respond, EVER!! As an early dater, of course, when I matched with someone, I was excited. I would message women I matched with multiple times. I mean if I didn’t hear back from them after a day or so, then maybe another message would help. Now, as an over-communicator, I still struggle with this. However, I have had to learn that you have to just let things sit sometimes. The Abundance Principle applies since if your match is not responding, then get back to swiping. There are other people who will respond to you out there.
(Every Successful Dater These Days)
On to the story, as I’ve written before, I got on Bumble first. However, I struggled with low volume in matches there. Still, I did have some quality dates on this app. Let me outline how Bumble works compared to the other apps.
I understand through a recent date actually, that Bumble was created by the co-creator of Tinder. So, this woman and her boyfriend created Tinder together, but there was some issue on the sharing of profits/credit, etc. So, she went on to create Bumble, which is definitely very similar to Tinder in the basic interface, but it has a lot of key differences. Bumble is a free swipe app that presents photos of people within a given distance radius (like Tinder). A few differences though: Bumble now lists a group of “tags” which cover a lot of the key information: What type of relationship seeking, Drinking frequency, Smoke/Not, Height, Zodiac Sign, Religion, Children/Want Children, etc. Like Tinder, you swipe Right if interested and Left if not. Then, if you match, the Woman is the person who starts the conversation (Tinder, Hinge and CMB both people can). The app allows 24 hours for the Woman to reach out, but the app gives you an option to extend another 24 hours for free. Some premium features are the “Super Swipe” which is equivalent to a “Super Like” on Tinder and unlimited extensions on the initial communication window. Bumble is definitely more relationship focused over Tinder which puts it in the same mold as Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel. I think Match may take the relationship thing to another level over Bumble. In my experience, Bumble is the most popular swipe application on the dating market.
After a few months, I finally was getting some traction on Bumble, and was excited to match with a lovely woman in her late 20s. She was a little tough to get a response from initially, but I was patient and suggested a date – which I always do pretty early on. I mean I’m not on the apps to just chat, so we agreed to meet at a bar not far from my place. She actually picked the spot called Vincent (http://www.vincentchicago.com/) in Andersonville. It was a beautiful early September night, and I was very pleased when I arrived a little late to a tall, gorgeous woman. We had a great conversation on this date. I really liked how she was family oriented, and her own business being a make up artist mainly for special events which was interesting. The chemistry seemed pretty good, so I asked to see her again before the date was over, which she agreed to.
Our next date, I went more creative (See Rule #1). I gave her an option between two things. Admittedly, this was a technique I used to use when courting my soon to be ex-wife. I call it the “Option Date.” Essentially, the Option Date is coming up with 2 dates each with a fun activity and allow the person to pick between them while sharing as much or little detail as you feel comfortable. In this case, it was Cue or Bop – either playing Pool at an upscale Pool Hall or an evening at the Green Mill which is an old school Jazz place in Uptown (http://greenmilljazz.com/). She chose Bop, and we met up around 9 PM on a Friday night. She had never been to the Green Mill, and the place was packed, but I think she enjoyed the experience despite the heat being way too high in there. We grabbed a bite around the corner after the set, and I walked her to the car. I do regret not going in for a kiss on that date, but a nice hug isn’t a bad thing.
After the 2nd date, I was texting her a little more frequently. In fact, I went to the Bears Monday Night game with a friend the following Monday, and it turns out she was there with family. I thought we set up a meet up afterwards, but I literally waited by a gate after the game for 20 minutes and she never showed or texted. When I got home, she did text and told me her phone went dead from Snapchatting so much during the game. I thought that was probably true. I asked her availability for a date the following weekend. She had a lot of work to do over weekend, so we talked about Monday night. I suggested something I thought was fun a place called the Magic Lounge (https://www.chicagomagiclounge.com/) which has jazz on Mondays with house magicians doing tricks at your table. Well, she never really committed to the date and having not heard from her by 5:30 PM that night, I sent another text. She finally got back to me and was non-committal at best. She said she would let me know later that night if she could meet me. I’m still waiting for that text…..
I think she is a cool woman with a lot going on. In fact, if she did get back to me after several weeks, then I’d consider going out with her again. However, I had to move on. In this dating world, no one is going to tell you that they are “Not Interested” or “Want to Break Up.” We have too many options to be non-confrontational and it is just easier to not respond and just leave it to you to reach out or walk. You have to be willing to walk and let it go. The Abundance Principle will help you get over experiences like this. No ill will, nothing crazy just lack of interest and communication.
As you get out there and date, just remember people will Ghost, but tell yourself – “I Ain’t Afraid Of No Ghost.”
Wegs