As I continue this journey in the new world of dating, I’m a firm believer in not only trying new things but expanding my own horizons. I mean for me with this whole divorce and working through it all, I’ve really had to open up to the world and not limit myself in who I date, what I do and most importantly where I look. It is more a journey of self-discovery through dating at this point for me, and I appreciate all of you who are along for the ride.
Dating By Wegs
After last week’s post, I thought I would return to another positive experience. I mean I love trainwrecks and being called Dad Jeans as much as the next guy, but it is the positive experiences that bring me back to the apps and other forms of meeting people.
Rule #3: Photos Are Not Worth 1000 Words
Look, I’m a dude. Dudes are like 91% visually stimulated in the world (the other 9% is taste – like beer and pizza). We love photos, and of course, we want to be attracted to the person we are dating. Actually, I have a pretty simple rule when it comes to reviewing profile pictures – if I am scrolling through the thumbnail pictures on the app and don’t pause looking at someone – like literally someone catches my eye, then I won’t read the profile. Every person is different on what they find attractive. I know that there are psychological studies about facial symmetry and the space between people’s eyes and the like as a measure of attractiveness. However, you may be looking for someone with a particular look or tattoos or whatever. We all know that the first thing we are looking for is – Do we find this person attractive?
I’m asking all of us daters, after you get past that initial pause, to actually READ THE PROFILE!! The old saying goes “A Picture is worth 1000 words” – I would vehemently disagree when it comes to the world of dating. I mean how many times will I see that photo of the young woman with her friends at brunch raising a glass of mimosa. What does that tell me? She likes Brunch, yeah along with 8 million other ladies. Take the time to read what they have written. Now, like I’ve written before, on Tinder, for example, there is not a lot to work with there. Sometimes, you have to get to the chat level to see what is “under the hood” so to speak.
The other main thing I’d like to emphasize here is that sometimes people do not fit the mold the picture portrays. I mean look at me. I’m your basic, average height, white guy who wears glasses, college educated and grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. For most women, this screams conservative, accountant type who dates white chicks from the suburbs (not that there is anything wrong with them). I actually prefer women of color who are liberal and typically from another country (that’s the Peace Corps affect), since I’m drawn to other cultures different from my own. Yes, I will date other people, but I’m definitely looking for someone with a worldly perspective that can be open minded to me and other cultures. I personally get judged all the time from my pictures. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this one – “Oh, I thought you were going to be stiff and uptight.” Do my pics look like that? I literally had a woman yesterday ask if I was conservative on one of the apps. Why because I’m a white guy with glasses? So, it goes both ways you know. Now, I’m a firm believer in being who you are, and everything will work out. I am not saying to change your pics or go over the top in your profile to “express the real you.” All I am saying here is that photos are only a start to the person you are going to date.
Much like people will typically reveal themselves at some point on a first date, most people will have tells on their profile, too. You can read between the lines if someone is talking about “not going to the clubs or bars” to meet someone. That usually means they are looking to settle down some. It does seem like every woman of a certain age wants a travel partner, but in reality, if you do not have the ability to whisk away to the Asia or the Caribbean at the drop of a hat, then maybe you aren’t a match for them. I mean I’ve seen people be very clear about their intentions, and advantage ladies here, my experience has taught me that most of the women on these sites are fairly clear about what they want (and most definitely clear about what they don’t want). So, why waste your time and money on someone who you have no shot with on some core issues.
My suggestion is to Read the profile. Ask questions in the chat room (direct and thoughtful questions are usually appreciated), and most of all get in front of someone so you can see if you have any real chemistry before making tons of assumptions about that cute person in the photo.
(Not actual truck in question)
Now, on to the story. As some of you may know, I was a very early adopter of online dating. In fact, I was using Match.com in 2000. I actually met my first wife on Match.com. So, I’m extremely familiar with the site. I used Match again for a while between marriages, as well (my second wife I met in person, what do you know). Of course, it was logical for me to go back to what I knew when I was starting my dating life again this year. I actually joined Match again prior to last week’s Tinder/Bumble profile run. Let me outline the basics of Match.com and the app.
Match.com was one of the original dating websites. In the old days, Match would ask you questions and have you fill out a profile both of you and your desired mate, then literally match you on a percentage basis. The search results yielded your “top matches” based on percentage at the top of your queue. I used to like that. I also used to like that you could search the entire database of members by a variety of categories – age, race/ethnicity/location, marital status, etc. So, in joining Match again in 2018, I was surprised to find Match had changed quite a bit. Match now is a lot like the other swipe apps (probably to compete) with “Daily Matches” – like 10-12, which pop up every 24 hours. You can select “interested” or “not interested” and the interested ones you have the option of just “liking” them or writing a full message to them. In addition, Match still has the Search functions like they used to, but the interface is a lot more difficult than it used to be. They are clearly trying to mimic the Tinder/Bumble model in both the presentation and even the chatroom. Match used to only have email responses to people (how quaint). So, I find the Match chat room to be a bit clunky compared to the other swipe apps (Bumble, Tinder and Hinge). I’ve also heard from some women that they get completely inundated with messages on Match, so that is why the other swipe apps are better for them. Now, the main advantage of Match, if your potential date takes the time, is the amount of information given. Unlike the other swipe apps, there is a lengthy Description section and all the major categories – age, location, race/ethnicity, children/want children, income, marital status, etc. Now, all that information does appeal to me quite a bit, and more importantly, I like to have my information out there for review as to not waste my time, either. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, I have had very limited success actually meeting people in person on Match. Perhaps this is because I’ve listed “Currently Separated” as my relationship status. In fact, I had one woman message me saying, “Does your wife know you are cheating on her?” Well, that was aggressive. So, there are disadvantages to full disclosure, too.
Luckily for me, though, I did meet someone on there. One of the features I do like on Match is you can see who has viewed your profile. So, I often check that first if I don’t see any other activity like a message or a “Like.” One Saturday, I checked and saw this very attractive woman from Southern WI who checked me out. Well, I typically do not date people who live that far away, but I did “pause” when I saw her. I had to inquire more. So, this young woman was stunning, no doubt. In fact, I thought she was a model or something. When someone is that attractive, I often worry if they are even real (more on that in another post). I mean I’m a good looking guy (or so my mom tells me), and I’m confident in myself. However, you gotta be cautious. I read her profile and saw that she enjoys learning languages, including trying to learn Spanish (check, I speak Spanish). She really is into health and fitness (check, I eat well and exercise regularly). So, I sent her a message, something like, “Are all the women in Kenosha gorgeous like you?” Pretty cheesy, yes, but it never hurts to compliment someone.
She did respond, and we had a really positive back and forth over the app’s chat room over the next couple days. I was very impressed with her writing (also something to look for). I mean I’m not a stickler for grammar, but I do like people who write in complete sentences. She was apparently very well spoken. Before we knew it, we were talking on the phone. The conversation was great, and then she totally surprised me. It turns out she is a truck driver – yes, like big rigs. I was perplexed. How could this beautiful, well spoken person drive a truck for a living. Well, she got into it around the time of the recession. They were one of the only industries hiring, and she has made it a career. It pays well, and she uses her time listening to a ton of podcasts, lectures and even language lessons during all those long hours on the truck. See!! The photos didn’t say that one.
My truck driver friend also speaks Russian fluently. What?!? I guess where she grew up there was a sizable Russian population, and she picked it up. Plus, she has a desire to learn languages, and she likes to make friends in other countries to practice while she is driving the big rig speaking to them over the phone and skype. Seriously, I can’t even make this up. Needless to say, I had to meet this woman. So, I asked her out for later that day, and luckily for me, she had the time and was willing to drive down to meet me in Chicago.
We had a great time over dinner at one of my favorite spots in Andersonville – Andies – https://www.andieschicago.com/. Then, I took her to Hopleaf – https://hopleafbar.com/ – for a beverage after that. She is such a lovely woman. Our conversation, in person, was effortless with plenty of chemistry. Clearly her attractiveness beyond her good looks made her someone I would remember. We have lost touch a bit lately, even though we went out another time, maybe the story here is not over. I hope not, but to be honest, she taught me a great lesson, and that is not to judge people on any level. Of course, I was interested because of her pictures, but I was captivated by who she is from her profile and then our conversations and in person dates. I was amazed to learn a person who is driving a truck could look like that and be so fascinating at the same time.
Just remember, everyone out there has a story well beyond what you see in pictures and even the profile. It’s up to you to read past the caption.
Until next Friday.
Wegs